Matt Kelley’s Blog (SUBMERGED)
October
It’s been hot as hell lately here in Texas. Must be nice to live up north where you’re not enduring ninety-five degree weather in OCTOBER!! In other news, I’m finally ready to tell Abby how I feel about her. She’s been my best friend for ten years now. At the risk of being rejected and losing our friendship, I still HAVE to say something. I can’t keep these feelings inside me anymore. I feel like I’m splitting in two, right down the middle, my heart coming apart just the same. I’m waiting to do it in person, to tell her I’m in love with her. To tell her she’s amazing, smart, beautiful, funny… that she has my heart and always will. Hey, it’s only taken me almost four years to gather the courage, right? I can’t wait till college to fess up, or someone else will ask her out by then. Hell, our senior year isn’t too far off, and I know it’s only a matter of time before some jackass sees how beautiful she is and swoops in to steal her from me. …What am I even saying? STEAL her from me? She’s not even mine. But I wish she was. Maybe when I tell her how I feel, that I’ve been in love with her since I was thirteen (probably way before then, if I’m being honest), she’ll tell me she feels the same. Wish me luck.
Still October… and Everything’s Shit
Before I could talk to Abby and confess my true feelings for her, Dennis Whitmore, some popular assface from Harlow Academy, asked her out. He asked her to come to his game. He’s never even noticed her before! He asked her out in the checkout line at her job! Of course, right when I’m finally READY to tell Abby how I feel, HE comes along with his stupid chiseled face and biceps girls always fall over looking at. Hey, all these things I’ve heard from the female population at McFall. I’ve never seen him play; I’ve only heard how “amazing” and “hot” he is. And Abby, who I thought was smarter than to fall for someone like him (someone conceited and full of himself), she agreed to go out with him. Yeah. She didn’t just go to his game. She went out with him on an actual DATE. I’m screwed. I can’t compete with Dennis freaking Whitmore! You should’ve heard the way she talked about him, all swoony like other girls act around him. If you had to choose between some mega rich “football God” who’s good looks have been compared to Apollo and shit… and a loner gamer dude who spends his time studying and playing games like Zelda and Resident Evil… well who would you choose? Like I said… I’M SCREWED!!
October Still (My Heart (and face) is Broken… and Dennis is a Dick!)
Listening to: Treat You Better - Cover by Throw the Fight
Abby doesn’t see it. She doesn’t see that Dennis is fake and lying to her. I KNOW he’s still with his ex (some cheerleader named Gwen). Abby saw him kiss her at the football game HE invited HER to attend. He claims they’re just friends, that he kissed her out of habit. Come on! So, because I knew this deep down about him, I convinced Abby to skip a class with me to drive out to Harlow and find the truth: is he dating Gwen still and dragging Abby along like a fool? We ended up running into some guy on the football team who didn’t believe for a second that Dennis was slumming it with some McFall chick. The whole thing was sketchy. THEN, after school, I confronted the douche about it all and HE SUCKER PUNCHED ME! DICK! I didn’t expect him to go AWOL on me just for A.) defending Abby and B.) pointing out how he was still with Gwen. Who goes around hitting people like that? I wasn’t even in his face about it. He was being an asshole to Abby, asking her why she was at his school looking for him (that football guy we ran into told him about it). He was defensive, and red flags were going up everywhere, ESPECIALLY after he punched me! But Abby couldn’t see it. He called and apologized. They talked it over. He said he didn’t like being “accused” of things. I can see straight through him. I wish Abby would listen to me (I warned her that he’s bad news) and dump him.
October Still (and Life is… Complicated)
Listening to: My Heart I Surrender - I Prevail
Abby doesn’t see me the way I see her, and she never will. She’s into Dennis (even though he’s a liar and a cheater - I just know it). I found out she lost her virginity to him… because I found a condom wrapper under her bed, and she ended up telling me she’d slept with him and had regrets about it. I felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my gut, knocking the wind out of me and sending sharp pains to my chest at the same time. I couldn’t breathe. Stupid guy that I am, I actually thought we’d be together and lose our virginity to one another. She said she wanted to wait till college before she had sex… and then she gave it up to the most underserving person in the world. If she was happy, if this guy was a good guy, I wouldn’t be so hurt about it. But he’s a bad guy, and even she regrets giving it up to him. …And now I think it’s time for me to stop waiting for her and lose mine. She’s never gonna see me the way I see her. I started working at Teas in a Pod, a little tea shop near school, to earn extra cash and get working experience. I figured if I ever wanted to actually take a girl out (which I’d hoped would be Abby eventually, once she saw through Dennis like I do), I knew I needed cash to pay for dinner, movie tickets, all the great things couples do together. But Abby’s not the one, I guess. There’s this girl at Teas in a Pod named Melissa. She’s pretty and flirts with me… and I told Abby about her. Abby insisted I ask her out. Like I said, Abby will never see me as anything more than her gangly loner best friend who used to fit into the same jeans as her (I’ve since filled out but still… I know she still sees my thirteen-year-old self). So… I asked Melissa out. We’ve been on a few dates. We’ve kissed… a lot. More than a lot. We got pretty hot and heavy in my car recently. I wish Abby wasn’t in my mind when I kiss her. I keep imagining her on my lap, shoving her tongue in my mouth, sucking on my neck, pulling at my hair. But it’s not her. It’s Melissa. And it’s not fair to her that I think of someone else when I’m with her. I keep thinking that eventually I’ll stop thinking about Abby. It’s not like she thinks of me when she kisses Dennis, when she… sleeps with him. Melissa recently asked me if I carry a condom in my wallet. She made it pretty obvious she wants to have sex with me. I just… I don’t want to be thinking of Abby when we do it.
Also listening to SFMD (Sacrifice for my Dearest) - Fallen Embers (Free my Soul Album)
Lyrics:
We had a chance to be more, but you broke me.
You left me shattered, sick and empty.
I thought you’d come around, my dearest love.
But you’ve proven to me that I’m not enough.
Now these fallen embers surround me.
They’re setting me on fire.
Now these fallen embers have bound me.
These flames will never tire.
We had a chance to be everything.
Many moments to be something.
I gave you my heart, but you couldn’t see.
That I’d die for you, burn for you and bleed.
Now these fallen embers surround me.
They’re setting me on fire.
Now these fallen embers have bound me.
These flames will never tire.
I’d take them back if I could, these feelings.
My heart’s had enough of a beating.
This love is one-sided and cold.
This love burns me whole.
Now these fallen embers never cease.
Can someone put me out of my misery?
Yeah, it’s still October… and Dennis IS CRAZY
Abby insisted that I get to know Dennis, that he’s not a bad guy. So, she invited me and Melissa on a double date with her and Dennis. Melissa couldn’t come, so it was just the three of us… and it was awkward AF. If he didn’t act like a dick the entire time, all possessive of Abby… and if he didn’t TRY TO HIT ME AGAIN, things wouldn’t have been so awkward. And you wanna know the worst part? Abby defended him. Even after he went psycho, and we got in a brawl in the middle of Pizza Town, she STILL couldn’t SEE what kind of shitty person he is. So, I did something. I needed backup. I told her parents the truth about her boyfriend, how he hurts her physically and acts psychotic even around me. See, Abby broke her wrist after falling down a flight of stairs at some party near Harlow. She caught Dennis there after he’d said he was going to bed after a game. She’d caught him in a lie. And guess what? She bought his bullshit story about getting “guilted” into going to the party with some friends of his. But before she forgave him or whatever, they got into a fight at the party, and I think Dennis pushed her before she fell down the stairs. She insists he didn’t. Tonight, he grabbed her arm (the one with the cast around her BROKEN wrist) and pulled her along behind him after getting jealous over seeing me and her fooling around with gel toys we’d gotten from a machine in the gaming area of the restaurant. I finally saw for myself how aggressive he is with her! We weren’t doing anything wrong, but he went CRAZY over it and got in my face. Got in HER face. Pulled her along to go “talk to her outside”. And… I LOST IT. I freaking lost my shit right then and there. I demanded that he take his hands off her, and he did… only to try to sucker punch me again. Unluckily for him, I expected it this time. I expect him to fly off the rails. He pushed Abby out of the way to get to me and sent her falling to the floor, which pissed me off more. I swear things nearly went black when I saw him shove her out of the way. I beat his ass, something I’ve dreamt of doing… denting his “perfect” face. When the fight got split up, he left and sped off in his truck. I drove Abby home. I had to listen to her defend this douche after he’d shown his true unstable self… and I HAD to tell her parents what was going on. I knew Abby might hate me for it, but I care more about her safety than our friendship I guess. I’m hoping her parents will make her stay away from him.
October Feelings
Abby told me she loved me. She said it wasn’t the love that comes with friendship, that her feelings had grown for me… even before she started dating Dennis. Imagine my shock, my regrets… had I just told her how I felt, even with Dennis in the picture, could things have been different between us? Would she have ditched him before they could get serious? But… none of that matters now. Even though she told me she loves me, she’s still with Dennis. It’s not fair, telling me she loves me when she’s still with some other guy! She said she didn’t want to hurt him by ending things just because she had feelings for me, because she said I didn’t have feelings for her. Not that long ago, I would’ve told her she was wrong - that I have feelings for her too. But things have since changed. I’m with Melissa. I have a girlfriend who deserves better than some guy who deceives her. And… Abby has caused me a lot of pain lately. It’s not like she knew she was hurting me, sure… but she had been. Every time she chose Dennis, even after he’d hurt me, she was hurting me too. The pain she’d caused was worse than Dennis’s fists. While external bruises have faded from our encounters, the ones inside me because of Abby haven’t. You know… I was finally at a place where I was beginning to let her go. We hadn’t spoken in a short while before today because I’d betrayed Abby’s trust. I’d told Melissa that Abby had slept with Dennis. She’s my girlfriend, a girl who’s invested in me, who listens and who’s actually interested in me and wants me around for more than a punching bag for her psycho boyfriend to pound on. That’s probably not fair of me to say. Abby and I have been best friends for a long time. It’s just… things changed when she started seeing Dennis. A month hasn’t even gone by since they first started this whole thing, and yet… she’s changed. Everything’s become damaged since. Her. Me. Us… our friendship was even more in need of repair after I told Melissa Abby’s secret about losing her virginity. We were just talking, and it’d slipped out. Abby was upset when she found out (Melissa mentioned it to her, not realizing it was some big secret), and despite the far worse things she’s done lately, I still needed to apologize. Having her be mad at me was giving me stomach aches. So I went to her house, saw her homecoming dress she plans to wear tonight at Dennis’s school dance, and apologized. And suddenly, we were sitting on her bed, and she was telling me she loved me. I’ve longed to hear her tell me those words, to say she’s in love with me. But she basically said seeing me with Melissa made her realize her feelings, that she felt that me and her, Abby and Matt, are meant to be together instead. I thought I’d felt sick before, having her be mad at me. Having her tell me she loves me… it feels like I ate needles. I could’ve told her I have feelings for her, but truthfully, I’m scared. Just as soon as she’s realized she doesn’t love Dennis (she said she thought she loved him, she thought she knew what love felt like, but she was wrong), she could realize she doesn’t love me, not that way. But even if she’s being sincere, and she really does love me the way I love her, isn’t it too late? I’m with Melissa, and she’s still with Dennis. She’s gonna be at his homecoming dance tonight, wearing that pink dress I saw, snuggling up against him, dancing to slow songs, kissing him… but will she be thinking of me when he kisses her, like how I think of her sometimes when Melissa kisses me? Should I have said something, admitted to her how I feel about her? Haven’t I been waiting for her to love me back, for us to be together? …Everything’s so messed up. I have this wall up with her now. Telling me she loves me might’ve sent a crack up that wall, but it didn’t send it crumbling to the ground. Every time I think about going back over to her house and telling her I love her too, I think about the fact that she’s still dating Dennis, that in a few hours she’s gonna be at his homecoming dance with him. She’s still choosing him. And then I think well… she doesn’t know you love her, too. She doesn’t want to hurt Dennis by breaking up with him for you when she thinks you don’t feel the same. But if she doesn’t love him, why stay with him? Why be with a guy who hurts her? Why worry so damn much about hurting his feelings by ending things with him when he doesn’t even care about whether he hurts her or not? This isn’t the Abby I know. He got his hooks in her the moment he noticed her. Deeper they went when he kissed her… when they slept together. When will she be the Abby I know again? Will she ever be?