How Submerged Touches on Narcissistic Abuse

In this post, we’re going to talk about narcissistic abuse, physical abuse and bringing awareness about such things through the Y/A series titled Submerged.

I wrote Submerged from the heart. It doesn’t fit into one genre, but I decided that was okay. Life isn’t one genre, and this book sure as heck isn’t, either. After finishing the first novel in the series, I was a little concerned that it was too dark for a Y/A read. Why? Because it’s not just about our MC (main character) Abby and her BFF Matt falling in love. It’s also about her first relationship with Dennis, who was a narcissist that emotionally and physically hurt Abby. It’s a cautionary tale. But teens find themselves in tough situations and relationships, too. Even deadly situations. It’s not just adults who get wrapped-up in bad relationships. On the contrary, many of us learn hard lessons from our first relationships, which often are in high school.

The title “Submerged” fit best since those who face situations like Abby in book 1 feel like they’re drowning emotionally. They feel like they’re being pulled under, and they pray to reach the surface before they drown. In book 2, Unleashed, she’s fighting to break free from the hold Dennis has over her, including his unrelenting, creepy and violent advances to “win” her back. She just wants to be free from him.

Where did Submerged come from, exactly? You know, how was this story born?

Submerged DID come from a dream (really, a freaking nightmare) I had. But it runs deeper than that. There was a fifteen-year-old girl in the area I live in who went missing. Her boyfriend was a suspect because friends had described him as violent toward her. I prayed that she was safe after hearing about her disappearance on the news. But eventually, her body was discovered. She’d been raped and murdered by her boyfriend. I won’t go into the details, but they were horrific. And so was he. He was described as being cold about the whole ordeal, like he didn’t even care what he’d done. I was so overwhelmed with a truly sad weight in my chest learning of her fate. I felt that pain for her parents, for a future that was taken from not just her but them. Upon reading about her murderer (bf) and learning more about their toxic relationship, it seemed the signs (red flags) were there all along. Did she notice them as red flags? What… happened? It bothered me. He bothered me. It stayed on my mind, all of it: what he did, how he did it, how he’d treated her leading up to her murder. I imagined he’d seemed sweet sometimes, luring her back in. Apologetic. I figured he made excuses for his behavior, and she’d given him chances to be better because she cared about him. She seemed like a caring person, from what I read. Someone who was kind. Someone who deserved so much more than she got. I could relate to her in a sense because I’d dated someone who fed me lies, cheated on me and seemed indifferent about it. The signs were there for me, too, but he kept luring ME back in with apologies, explanations, etc. Eventually, after three years of that, he admitted to cheating on me, and we were done. Was my ex capable of murder? I don’t think so. But was he a narcissist? Maybe… but the less obvious kind. He might’ve been a covert narcissist. I think this girl’s boyfriend was a narcissist… a sociopath. How else could you do what he did and not care? How could you do it at all?

Because this bothered me so much, I think that’s why I had the “Submerged” dream one night. …A dream that turned into a horrific nightmare.

Before we get into how the dream played out, let me first say that I am 100% a romantic. I read romance novels, watch rom-coms, etc. I LOVE romance. I’ve fallen for tropes, like enemies-to-lovers. But these “enemies” were never… frightening. They were just jerks. Harmless, right? Maybe not as much as I used to think.

Now, about that dream…

At first, Abby (a 16 YO junior) and Dennis (a 17 YO senior) were so in love and happy… though their relationship did seem to take off a little too fast after they met. That happens sometimes, especially when you’re young. But despite that, this couple was dreamy! They were perfect together - the loner and smart girl from a public school hooking up with the most popular football star from a prestigious private school on the other side of town? I don’t know about you, but that trope HAD ME. I was invested in this dream. It was like watching a movie! The odds weren’t in their favor from the start because of their differences in both social class and schools. But those differences made them even closer (you know, the whole “opposites attract” deal). Dennis was charming, kind and sweet. He was also strong and ridiculously attractive (tall, tan, muscular from all that football he played). Abby was kind, forgiving and loyal. She was pretty, but she was self-conscious and compared herself to other girls… especially his cheerleader ex. But getting back to the romance part. She loved how he could just pick her up and toss her over his shoulder. How he just wrapped her up in his arms and made her feel loved and safe. They went to the beach and laughed and had an amazing time. He told her secrets no one else knew; he confided in only her. She was special to him, and he was special to her. She lost her virginity to him. She could see an entire future with this guy - them going to college, getting married, living happily-ever-after.

But then these little things started happening… and those little things became BIG things. It all just happened so slow… yet so fast. She was confused, and I was, too!!! The hell was going on?!

Dennis started blaming Abby for him doing poorly in football, stating that she’d become a distraction for him. How?! Because she was cheering him on like girlfriends do at games? He said she couldn’t come to his games anymore. But she questioned it just like I did: Did he just not want her there because he didn’t want anyone to know he was dating a peasant from the “wrong side of the tracks”? She noticed he never introduced her to his friends or family. Was he keeping her a secret? When she asked about this, he said he wasn’t ready yet to introduce her to anyone. Their relationship was so new. “Just give me time,” he’d told her. “I’m not embarrassed of you. I’m insulted that you think I am!” Of course this turned into an argument, ending with him stomping away from her.

And the sex… it wasn’t exactly epic like she thought it would be. So, she asked him how it should feel. He became defensive and angry and accused her of insulting his performance. Again, he stomped off. Then he apologized later, stating that she’d hurt his feelings and made him feel like he was bad at sex. She had to remind him that she was inexperienced, so he said they’d just have to practice more. And hey, “it’d really feel good without condoms”, something he’d convinced her they should do. This made her nervous, as she worried she’d become pregnant, but he assured her the pull-out method was safe. Not wanting to disappoint him, they began having unprotected sex. He was so pleased with her decision to engage in such a “sexy” act that she felt good about making him happy. She just wanted him to be happy… for them to be happy again.

Abby was so in love with Dennis that she believed his apologies, which seemed sincere. She’d embarrassed him when asking how sex should feel. Of course he’d stomp off and be mad. And hey, their relationship was super new, so of course he’d want to wait to introduce her to his close friends and his family. That’s a huge step in any relationship…

But then when she didn’t want to have sex one day when he told her he was soooo stressed from school and football, he threw a tantrum. He accused her of having sex with someone else. Told her she didn’t love him, or she’d want to be there for him in every way, especially sex! I mean, like, how dare her not be in the mood, y’all! This of course led to them arguing… yelling… and Dennis grabbing her by her shoulders and pushing her into a wall.

He apologized for this too, blaming his emotions and the violent sport of football for making him react in such a threatening way. “It’ll never happen again,” he’d said with total conviction and guilt. “I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I can’t lose you. You mean everything to me.”

Things were okay for a little while after that. He seemed like his old charming self, doting on her and showing her love.

But then it did happen again.

They just kept arguing, and he’d get more and more aggressive as their arguments intensified. He’d grab her so hard, he’d leave bruises on her arms.

Eventually, he went too far.

On the night of his homecoming dance, he’d promised to finally introduce Abby to his friends. But he showed up to her house late, when the dance was already over. He reeked of alcohol and anger. Abby followed him to her bedroom because he “needed to lie down for a bit”. He tried kissing her, but she was mad. He never intended to take her to the dance or introduce her to anyone he knew! He was def keeping her a secret! Of course he got angry about her accusing him again of such things.

And when she angrily blurted out that she was pregnant, he LOST it. I was stunned! She was pregnant?!

“I won’t let you ruin my future!” he’d yelled at her.

She’d fired back: “You were the one who wanted to have sex without condoms! I TOLD you I’d get pregnant!”

Dennis: “I’m not gonna let you do this to me!”

He forcefully grabbed her by the tops of her shoulders and shoved her into a wall. Man, he looked pissed. Those bloodshot blue eyes of his were set in rage, staring her down like she was his worst enemy. A vein was protruding from his forehead! Seeing that look, and fearing for her life, she panicked and ran out of her bedroom. Meanwhile, I’m panicking, thinking “OMG run! RUN!”

But just as she reached the stairs, Dennis pushed her from behind, and she tumbled down them. The entire time, I was terrified (just as she was) that she’d break her neck. This was it. After everything that’d happened up to this moment, this was the end. Her end. When she landed at the bottom of the stairs, I was grateful she didn’t break her neck… but I just KNEW that fall cost her the baby. That’d been his intention, after all, hadn’t it?

But it wasn’t over.

Dennis kept coming for her, screaming at her. Abby half-limped/half-ran as she clutched her stomach, straight to her parents’ bedroom to retrieve her father’s gun.

When Dennis refused to back off, telling her he was going to kill her for getting pregnant, she shot him dead.

I woke up feeling exactly like she’d been feeling: heart pounding painfully (physically and emotionally) against my ribs; palms and brow sweating; gut full of dread. I caught my breath and sat there for a few reflecting on that dream. That nightmare!

I had to write it down.

So, I did. And months later, I wrote the book. Of course I made some changes, like creating Abby’s best friend Matt. Being a romantic who LOVES happy endings (and you know, writing romance), I needed to include someone who would not only be there for her during her horrible relationship with Dennis, but someone she’d fall for, too. Matt was the total opposite of Dennis, and he never wore a mask (not counting the fact that he was in love with Abby but decided to keep it to himself when she began dating Dennis and talking about how in looooove they were). Abby’s relationship with Dennis was a cautionary tale, not an epic romance. But her and Matt… oooh la la! Fireworks! Real passion! Deep love.

Now (SPOILER ALERT), Abby doesn’t shoot Dennis in Submerged like she did in the dream. She also never got pregnant because they always used condoms (they didn’t have unprotected sex like in my dream). He did, however, try to rape her the night of the homecoming dance. He showed up late and drunk (like in the dream). But this time he was full of guilt and finally admitted (like Abby suspected) that he was still with his apparently-not-so-ex-girlfriend Gwen. Abby of course told him they were over. He naturally didn’t like that. So, he tried to force himself on her, trying to prove his love or some twisted crap. Unlike in the dream, she doesn’t get pushed down the stairs. She makes it down just fine and runs like a madwoman to her parents’ bedroom, grabs the gun, and takes a shot at Dennis to scare him off (missing on purpose, of course).

He leaves in a rage… but this isn’t the last we see of him. Dennis makes a stalkeresque return in Unleashed (Book 2). In Submerged, Abby confessed to Matt that she was in love with him, but Matt had given up on them becoming anything more than friends after she chose Dennis several times over him. He’d moved on with Melissa, his… (gulp) girlfriend. Pained and confused, he’d walked off after her confession. But not before lecturing her on how much pain she’d caused him and her family in continuously choosing Dennis despite everyone warning her he was bad news. She had to see for herself that he was bad news, that his apologies were dripping with lies, just like his selfish heart. While Abby deals with the pain of swallowing her feelings for Matt down in Unleashed, she also has to deal with Dennis STALKING her - everything from waiting for her after school, to putting Blue (a stuffed animal he’d won for her on their first date) on a shelf in her closet. When Matt breaks up with Melissa, finally seeing that she wasn’t right for him (she was a wench), Abby pitches an idea to him to dispel the rumors his ex has started about her. That’s right, Abby’s running into problem-after-problem in Unleashed. In addition to unrequited love and a stalker ex-boyfriend, she’s now a harlot who sleeps with just about anyone (according to the rumors). But what’s the idea? Abby tells Matt they should fake-date. If people think she’s seriously involved with someone, the rumors will just stop. That’s the goal, anyway. She doesn’t consider that Dennis finding out she’s dating someone new will drive him even crazier.

But it does.

Dennis goes insane thinking about her being with Matt. He even breaks into her home when Matt and her are there alone and threatens to kill Matt using the same gun Abby had shot at him with. During this time, Matt had called the police, and they overheard everything. Abby attempts to convince Dennis that she’d only been using Matt as a crutch to get over him, that her heart truly lies with him. Of course she’s lying - she’s trying to de-escalate the situation. Dennis buys it at first (being drunk altered his judgement, after all), but when he realizes she doesn’t want to have sex with him (and that Matt hasn’t left), he catches on that she’d lied to him. Long story short, Matt and Dennis end up in a scuffle. Just as Dennis is about to shoot Matt, the cops show up. Being upset and under the influence of alcohol, Dennis turns the gun on the cops knowing full-well they’ll shoot him. His last words are “I got nothin’.” It’s sad, really, his life. His parents were absent, so he sought love and acceptance elsewhere, including with Abby. He didn’t ever learn what love was supposed to be, at least not from them. He had issues he refused to deal with, even skipping therapy his parents arranged for him following Abby calling the police on him when he’d attacked her in the school parking lot in front of witnesses. He’d gone off the rails. He thought he owned Abby.

Some folks might think I wasn’t fair to Dennis, that he could have been written differently or been given a chance to change. What they forget is I was in Dennis’ head when I wrote Submerged and Unleashed. I knew when he was lying, how he felt about things and people, who he really was, etc. I knew his plans and intentions from the moment he showed up in Submerged to the moment he died in Unleashed. I knew he went to Abby’s house that night to kill her and Matt and make it look like a robbery gone wrong. Things didn’t pan out like he intended (obviously), but his intentions were clear to me.

Remember that stair incident in Submerged, when he and Abby had been arguing by the stairs at his friend’s house? When she’d fallen and broke her wrist? Here’s the deal: He’d gone to a party following a phone call with her, one that’d ended with him telling her he was going to sleep. He was soooo tired. He didn’t go to bed. Never planned to. He went to a party instead, a party Abby had also been invited to after she’d hung up with Dennis. He was absolutely MORTIFIED that she’d shown. His cover was at risk of being blown (he was cheating on Gwen AND it was with “trash” from McFall High). His girlfriend (who was there BTW - we just didn’t see her) and his friends were about to find out he had a whole thing going with Abby - a freaking relationship! He was a liar, a cheater, a coward. He couldn’t have that happen. When Abby went ballistic finding him at the party (she’d caught him in a LIE, ya know), he kept trying to get her to go somewhere private with him so they could talk. She’d refused, and as they’d argued (and he’d been grabbing at her arms), she’d unknowingly gotten closer to the stairs. She kept demanding that he let her go, and he purposefully let her go so she’d fall down the stairs. He WANTED to punish and hurt her for showing up at that party and almost blowing his cover. After she fell, he disappeared. You know what happened after that if you read Submerged. He told her he was invited to the party at the last minute and went just to appease his friends. That wasn’t true. This party was planned, and he was going with Gwen. He said he didn’t notice they were so close to the stairs either. He told Abby it was an accident, her falling. It wasn’t, and he knew that. While she was in the hospital getting her broken wrist treated, he was covering his ass with his friends and girlfriend, telling them Abby was a crazy stalker chick with a crush on him that he was having trouble evading. He NEVER intended to introduce her to friends or family. She was a dirty little secret and someone he enjoyed controlling. He loved the drama of having a secret relationship with her and the satisfaction that came with her believing his lies. He was truly impressed with himself.

He was a narcissist.

And he was a bad guy.

Period.

I wanted to shed light on this behavior, to make people aware of red flags that show in these types of relationships. And with “bully romance” books coming out that glorify bullies, making these toxic relationships seem sexy and romantic, I want you to know that the reality isn’t sexy. It’s not romantic. If someone is bullying you, abusing you (mentally, physically or both), treating you like garbage, etc., they’re bad news. Don’t expect them to change because you treat them right and show them love. YOU deserve to be treated with love and respect, too. I know that it is hard to give up on someone, especially when they tell you they’ll change, seek therapy, do anything to be with you, etc. I know. Eventually, we all realize that they’re not really going to change. And that’s when we’re done. Abby had to see for herself that Dennis was lying, that his excuses and apologies weren’t actually sincere. He wasn’t trustworthy. She had to get there herself.

But sometimes we don’t get the chance to get there, to be done, to leave.

If you’re ever in this situation, you’re not alone. It’s never simple. It’s never easy to end things or let go.

But I hope you do get there.